ACCOMMODATION

A CHANGE FOR THE BETTER

Things have changed here. For one, we got rid of the bedbugs. And the toilets were moved indoors. What a saga but I was told not to dwell on these things. Thus, on a more positive note, I can state with confidence that De Erf Manor House offers bug-free, luxury en-suite double bedrooms, with private entrances, housed in the Black Smith's shop (below right) and the chicken coop (below left). The blacksmith's shop was built in 1856 and the chickenless (well, that is what I am told to say) chicken coop sometime later (I know this sounds vague but I am too lazy to try and find out.) And yes, it does look inside as it does above. Welcome to luxury. We should actually charge a lot more, you know but Ilse seems to think we are running a charity. We have percale linen sourced from the best suppliers. (It costs a bloody fortune, I can tell you as I was conned into paying for it. Damage it and your lifespan will be reduced to that of a fruit fly.)

Amongst other things, these rooms have DStv (satellite television*), air conditioning, huge fans and mosquito nets. A fruit bowl and sherry await you upon your arrival (I don't eat fruit, it being unhealthy but may have surreptitiously sipped some of your sherry). The floors are richly and earthly textured. The bedding is the finest you will find and the hand-crafted furniture with a dark glow is designed for maximum comfort.**

TRANSFORMATION

Over here "transformation" is merely a noun preceded by some form of adjective quantification with which to indicate how much damage your predecessors inflicted, wittingly or not, on the Manor House, at any given time. For instance, Edwin Kingston transformed the Manor House slightly when, being unable to contain his merriment upon being informed that his wife left him, he pumped seven rounds of buckshot into the yellow wood ceiling. At one stage, roughly about when high-heeled shoes came into vogue over here, the owner at the time (everyone dead or alive denies being the owner "at the time") transformed the Manor House into a dance parlour and rendered a part of the floor pockmarked. Great for putting practice though; Uncle Tom's paradise.

As noted on the home page, De Erf Manor House has the distinctive Cape Dutch H-shape design which it shares, in Graaff-Reinet, only with Reinet House. The H is formed by four single rooms that connect to a central hallway that comprises a reception, dining area, lounge and another reception area (a bit like a brothel - not that I would know). Once trudging to the outhouse, candle and newspaper in hand, was no longer fashionable a bathroom (as in ONE) was built in between the adjoining rooms.

LITTLE LUXURIES, TOILETS, HUMOUR & LIFE

If you have read the footnote on the home page you would know by now that I am heading towards maudlin oblivion. But on I march - nothing that a few bottles of red cannot cure. You will find towels (bath sheets) made of the finest material nesting on karoo leather strap chairs topped with all the amenities you may need or want, such as hand wrapped soaps*** and other splendid things in little bottles; the kind that you can stick in your handbag and make off with, like my mother does. But, please leave the furniture, towels etc. behind when you depart. The bathrooms, with showers (fit for four, if that's your game) and another with an antique ball and claw bath, have been specially fitted. The towel railings (made from sand papered dead wood branches) do not have heating. I was dammed if I was going to pay for that. Being the typical tourist you will head here over the summer season. If that does not fry you I am sure a heated towel rack would.

For a change you won't have to sit on a cheap toilet seat. Even your toilet roll holder is handcrafted and has its own history. (Sounds disgusting? I am trying my best to sneak this stuff in. To prove that my honesty prevails I even went and took pictures of the toilet and the said little bottles. I made the arrangements (cloak and dagger) and took, with my OWN unsteady hands, the pictures - laugh, at your own peril.) And no, the bathroom is not small. I focused on the blinking yet very elegant toilet in as much as it was possible without banging my head too much. The wooden railing (which poked me in the eye) and the phallic thing (i.e. the toilet roll holder) were in the way. The holder is also good for a nice poke in the eye, trust me.

TURN FOR THE WORSE

Dread on your doorstep, some more fascinating irrelevancies. Hendrik Adriaan Meintjes, the guy who was born in 1772 and became the first owner, was appointed to the office of Heemraad (Council to assist on the governing of rural districts) on 6 January 1812 and served on the council of Heemraden until its demise. He also held the position of Acting Landdrost (Magistrate) from 6 April 1818 until 1829. Some 160 odd years before this the Great Plague raged through London. The astute reader will at once question the significance of the Great Plague in this context. I can happily confirm that it is entirely irrelevant. I saw it on Wikipedia and thought I would share it with all.

Anyway, Meintjes was thought to be an altogether odd character who may have been responsible for the introduction of the red herring monster and blue-back tortoises to this neck of the woods. Yes, laugh while you have time. Wait till the former sinks its fangs into some of your body parts or the latter does some unspeakable things, the kind of things that our baboon did before he went on, to greater things. Rumour has it that he is in politics. The last guest who laughed was carried out in a cadaver bag even though some movement was observed.

*FOOTNOTE: The satellite television comprises DsTV movies and sport channels, Kyknet, SABC, E-TV and BBC and EURO News.

**Good grief, I admit, on reflection - which is something I do now all the time - this sounds banal (if not simply anal) but remember I was not only forced to do this website but also to be "consumer friendly" - whatever that may mean other than to pander to guests' sensitivities and the like. Ilse is one tough cookie and there is a prenuptial agreement that borders on constitutional unlawfulness- but what can I do; I told you about whose world is whose court, did I not?

*** The soap is handmade. The shampoo is not. Thus, take good care of the soap. No rough stuff. Take it home if you want, but look after it like a child, if only because I had to help cut the shit and my eyes still burn.